“Don’t put your light under a bowl”.

I’m writing today because six months ago I entered a death/rebirth event. My faith in the outcome is uncertain, as it must be if it is authentic (ouch!). After PQ died everything went smoothly, even though I missed him, and didn’t know what kind of future was possible. I went about cleaning up yard, house and car to renew the environment. Along the way, I discovered a new spiritual family, renewed contacts with old friends, and enjoyed new friendships. Now I’m at another life and death crossroad. I know that sounds dramatic, and it feels dramatic, but when I review my history, that is how life has always moved forward, and with each crossroad I must decide to walk into the unknown.

I meditate, and dialogue with my spirit guides every morning in the room where I’m writing this message. For several weeks, I’ve been examining the cross as the symbol of Christianity. Of course, it is far older than Christianity and it appears in many religions including Native American religions. That is one of the reasons, the Native people of the America’s let down their guard when encountering Europeans for the first time. Lately I’ve been meditating on the cross.

There are the four directions in our physical location, but most importantly a place where they all meet. In the Keltic Cross the meeting is encased in a circle. That is what we are invited to become. I now see this as a meeting of dimensions into the wholeness of the divine. That Christ died and was reborn into transcendence on the cross makes perfect sense to me. Truth is what awakens the multi-dimensional hologram of the cosmos within us. In this way we are all multi-dimensional holograms of God. We don’t know the facts about the literal crucifixion. There are those who believe that Jesus survived the crucifixion and went on to father children who themselves became great leaders. I think that is true whether one takes it literally or symbolically. Perhaps beginning with Egyptian hieroglyphics truth is multi-dimensional and that is why the Egyptian’s used symbols rather than words to convey sacred communications. Symbols radiate many facets of meaning about the multiverse.

We each have a divine story to explore facet by facet. I must be born again and again and again! I wasn’t completely born the first time, and now the next ultimatum has arrived. In my natal horoscope, the cheek to jowl 12^th house location of the Sun, Mercury (my ruling planet) Jupiter and the Moon, indicates astrologically that at birth I would not be entirely located in the 3-D vibration of the human world. There were many factors converging to make my entrance into this physical world fraught with doubt and uncertainty. I emerged into the historical world six months after Pearl Harbor brought America into WW2. My father was drafted as a skilled metal worker to repair war-damaged ships at the Mare Island Navel shipyard near Vallejo California. My parents considered abortion when the U.S. entered the war, but a decision was never made, and nature took its course, yet somehow, it wobbled on the “to be or not to be” list indefinitely. I’ve never felt entirely welcome here and am still trying to be born for real.

When we were in Vallejo, my little sister was born with a serious heart defect and lived only a few months. My naive mother succumbed to her church’s criticism that she must have done something to anger God. No one ever tried harder to do the right thing and avoid criticism than mom, and she lost her precarious grip on reality. I was an afterthought during this crisis and learned to follow my intuition and the input of some strangers that no one else could see. There were both good and bad “strangers.” The good ones helped me deal with the dangerous ones, by showing me how to shield myself.

This arrangement conflicted with my parent’s desperate attachment to rules and social constructs. God was watching us for any missteps. Ironically, we were taught that God loved us and that’s why he punished us.Thus, I learned to fear declarations of love as demands to give up one’s personal life and wellbeing. It was best to stay on the outside.  

Later my good guides decided to rescue me from this false God. But I couldn’t avoid the effects of the war in heaven. In recent years, I made great strides out of a huge inferiority complex that culminated in an emotional, psychological, and spiritual meltdown during my 15^th year. It was a second birth, much more difficult and powerful than the first birth. It defined the rest of my life. I’m surprised I survived and suspect that I did so because it was too powerful to resist, so I gave up. I’m still open to learning about the magic of surrender. The ego never gives up without a fight.

However, despite terror and pain, there was simultaneously a dazzling connection with a completely weird and novel set of perceptions, insights, interests and experiences. Alongside heart crushing terror, despair and shame, came an obsession to explore, and observe with a stunning new vision that emerged from a magical unknown source. It was so unlike my previous concept of reality, that I had to keep it hidden and take the chops of those who only saw in 3-D. My maternal grandmother was the only human that stayed emotionally connected to me, even though she didn’t understand what was happening.

 I became enthralled by art, music, philosophy, history, psychology, sociology and a new spiritual awakening. I didn’t read minds, but I could read souls with insight into other humans that seemed to come from another world, in fact it was another world. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I fell headlong into the sanity of a domain free of doctrine or belief. I didn’t even know words for what I was seeing reading and discovering. A gate swung open to a hidden reality I could never have imagined. In the 3-D world, I was as good as dead, so there was neither fear nor expectation. I fell into a different dimension and was swept away in a raging river. In fact, I often had dreams of flooding rivers, earthquakes and tsunamis.  However, I became saner and couldn’t tolerate the destruction, senseless, soul numbing forms and complicated falseness of bureaucracy. And yet, even though I retreated from that world, I felt a need to protect the people I loved from what I was seeing.

 The memory of my 16^th Birthday comes to mind. My parent’s and I were spending the weekend at a newly acquired cabin that was the culmination of my father’s dream. The cabin itself was just one room still under construction. My father was a master handyman and worked on both the cabin and property every weekend. As a country boy, forced to the city in his teens by the great depression, his dream was to “go home”. The new dream home was located on 40 acres of beautiful pristine forests and meadows. On this day, dad was a quarter mile away, chopping wood. I was on a hill near the cabin.  I heard my mother calling my father in a desperate voice that carried the whole story. I was immediately aware of exactly what was happening and what would happen next. I knew without a doubt that the cabin was on fire. I almost flew down the hill, briefly saw my mother trying to get my help with a large drum of water. I knew that wouldn’t work and instead, I ran into the cabin, saw the entire east wall in flames and knew I had about a minute to put out the fire before it was too strong to stop, then took a huge breath outside, and went to work inside. I jerked a curtained vanity with flames away from the wall, ran to the bed, pulled a blanket from it, even chose the oldest blanket in case it would be damaged and began smothering the flames as fast as possible from top to bottom, and then bottom to top. All the time, part of me was 50 feet above the building calmly watching.  The damage was superficial. The basic structure was intact.  Nevertheless, the effect was black and ugly. After the crisis was over, my dad walked into the mess.

I thought, “my dad is going to walk into this too late, and he won’t notice that his sixteen-year-old daughter just saved the cabin and our belongings and possibly the forest that began twenty feet to the west. He and mom will just look at the blackened wall, and some superficially scorched items and feel sorry for themselves”. I was very calm and focused through the entire time and then remained fifty feet above the cabin for several minutes, observing all three of us and our predictable reactions.  

My parents responded exactly as I expected. During this phase of my life, I was divided into two selves. One is what I now understand as my higher self, and it knew things that 16 years olds are not supposed to know and was feeding me insights and laying out a curriculum faster than I could find resources. It had separated from my lower self who believed it was ugly, worthless, not very bright, and unable to meet the basic requirements of human existence. This one hides from social interaction in shame. The other side often read a book intuitively several pages ahead of my eyes and presented questions and insights to the narrative as if I and the esteemed author were on the same level. In fact, I knew we were on the same level because I had been given the key to this world. Sometimes I fell into a dream state and continued via a 3-D conversation with the author, walked through the same landscape during the same timeline and conversed about the book.  I knew it was honest magic and I wasn’t inflated by this heady state because I knew it came because my troubles made me available to new perspectives. I considered my life in the everyday human world to be as good as gone. Being dead, I had nothing to lose.

Years went by, and the division between my two selves became smaller but remained. I forced myself into situations that terrified my lower self. However, my goal was always to bring both together into the physical world with the higher self in charge. However, with naive ignorance I set unrealistically high standards for membership in the outside world and judged myself a failure. I saw my persona on such an inferior level that I usually assumed that basic functionality required much more than turned out to be the case, and yet even now I aim low just in case I overshoot my rights and capacity. The result is that I habitually get demanding jobs with low pay.  At times I take on extremely demanding jobs that are entirely gratis. I suppose it is because of my unresolved guilt for having survived when my little sister was taken, that I put the most effort into the nonpaying jobs that I find interesting and important. Thus, I’m protectively penalized for not being miserable. Being miserable, has been a way of staying out of harms way. It isn’t working anymore.

I’ve had an amazing run in Taos, New Mexico. It was the first community in which I felt connected. for a long time, its people were my people. Although I still felt small and insignificant, myself and everyone else, rich or poor had membership in the same tribe. It was a world that tolerated humans in almost every form. If you didn’t fit into its unique weirdness, it kicked you out. Membership was not given on money, status, politics, or even law. It was open to mingling on all levels. I almost felt safe. Yet now I’m being forced to confront the fate I brought with me from before I was conceived.

Seven months ago, the familiar earth of Taos began to change. It was my fault. I started doing the personal work I’d neglected during my husband’s illness. Now he is gone, and I know he intends for me to complete us with my side of our partnership. He told me so several months before his exit.  Then last autumn I was working at the computer in the kitchen and turned to ask him a question, momentarily back in our world, unaware that he’d been gone for over a year. Shocked and confused, I walked over to the couch where he watched TV and was slammed with his absence.  For a few moments I was in two worlds at the same time. He was here in full high-definition color and Dolby sound, and then suddenly he wasn’t.

While I struggled to remember which world I was in, I heard a loud bang from the kitchen where my computer desk lives. I was afraid to turn around, in case the sound was going to be expensive. Of course, I couldn’t avoid facing the damage very long. When I got to the kitchen, I couldn’t see anything until I looked at the floor. The first hand-drum I bought some 35 years ago, had just leapt off the wall above my computer and landed on the kitchen floor. It made a great boom because it had been hanging nine feet above the floor and had largely been forgotten since I hung it there sixteen years ago. He used to talk to me through flying things before we lived in the same house. I had no doubt this was his warning that I wasn’t going to enjoy my dotage peacefully. I still had work to do, and he told me so before he left.

Since that message my life has been a custom designed hell. Before PQ’s interference at the bidding of my higher self I had been living a frugal but comfortable life.  I kept my fingers crossed that I could keep floating as long a necessary, but then my higher self gave up coddling me. Shortly before Christmas, I got up one morning and logged onto my laptop, only I couldn’t get in. it was strange, but I had a small laptop that PQ bought during his last year for computer emergencies. I couldn’t log on to it either. I tried restarts and then hard restarts to no effect. Panic set in. I didn’t have very much money and what if this was going to be expensive. My usual computer doctor was closed but I found one that was open and took both laptops with me. The expensive one was not yet paid off and I intended it to last as long as I did. The computer doctor was as mystified as I was.

Due to quirky behavior from Microsoft, everything on each computer was stored on the memory of both twice. I also hadn’t upgraded my internet connection from POP to IMAP and learned the difference the expensive way.   I ended up with a middle aged, refurbished Dell, lost my email lists and all the emails I had been saving with topics to write about, and a big bill.  I was terrified because I had recently lost the rent money to PQ’s rez house because one of his sons wanted it and I have no legal rights on the reservation. Now I didn’t have enough to cover my expenses, food and gas were out of the question. As I was feeling sorry for myself, I noticed that the heat wasn’t working in my house, and it was very cold outside. I had to do some research to find a company that handled radiant floor heat in Taos. I had a two week wait for parts and in the meantime had to use electric heaters which are expensive heat in a place that has serious winters like Taos.

I was quickly in over my head. Several of my friends helped me but some of the help was lost to overdraft fees because we were inexperienced in using Zelle to transfer funds. To sum it up I became a familiar figure at the bank, dealt with some scammers on the internet along the way, and had to learn all about food pantries, and where to get free cat food when I ended up with teenage cats born under my Honeysuckle vine. Catching 10 feral cats for a free spay/neuter program is also very challenging and finding food for them is even more challenging. All this time I felt put upon because the world foisted a huge litany of problems on this eighty-year-old widow who wanted to recover in peace from the loss of her soul mate and contemplate where her life should go from here.

I’m just barely getting the picture. I’m being forced out into society, forced to ask for help, forced, to live one hour at a time, and most importantly, I’m being invited to live with faith one hour at a time. I would a hundred percent rather give than receive. That is where the control lives. And it also means you have enough to feel secure.

I don’t know how this story is going to unwind, and I’m barely noticing the benefits. I’ve lost enough weight to fit into my mother’s beautiful clothes, as she was always trim and fashionable, I’ve learned to ask for what I need, I’ve met new people, and learned about available help for people (and animals) on a low income and I’ve been forced to put my shyness aside to get things done. I have no idea how this period of my life will end and I’m barely grokking the point. There is politics, wars, extreme weather and general tumult in our world, but we can only deal with it by becoming what the world needs by acting in our little section of the Earth. Always remember, we are all potentially holograms of God. How could it be otherwise in a holographic universe. Now I’ll go back to convincing myself. I must do this often, but I believe in the cumulative effect.

Namaste