I’ve been judging myself as a bit anti-social because PQ and I have spent most of this winter indoors at home. I haven’t been at all bored and although PQ’s lungs don’t like cold weather, the weather for the past two weeks has been wonderful. We usually go out for the mail and at least once a week for the grocery store, but at night, we are cozy on the living room couch. It isn’t really about being anti-social although we have deliberately avoided places where there will be background noise and groups of people. We haven’t even gone out for lunch for months. Well, one exception, we went to Abe’s in Arroyo Seco for breakfast burritos once in the past month, but it is a small family owned intimate place, more like an extension of our own kitchen.
One of our friends shared that she has been equally, if not more in retreat from the overwrought world outside than we have. That’s when I realized that this pattern is an organic withdrawal for repairs and will end when it’s time for it to end. Last year’s leaves are rotting on the ground, feeding the earth for a restart come spring and we are doing the same.
Meanwhile I’ve been reading, meditating and occasionally journaling all winter, and our social contacts have been limited to family, two cats and a dog. Nevertheless, internally everything has changed. I’ve been experiencing an almost euphoric state of well being. This has nothing to do with any external changes of which there aren’t any. We still don’t have quite enough money, PQ’s health is still a big issue, and we have no image of what will come next, nor any immediate plans for exploring homes in Arizona. The most amazing thing is that I don’t care. All is well just as it is and for the first time in forever, I’ll just let the rhythm of natural timing unfold, as it will.
In reality, magic has been happening every day for a long, long time, I just didn’t recognize it because the form wasn’t consistent with my assumptions. We are very grateful for commissions for paintings,and PQ's painted drums and Jacket, then lately people have been asking me for astrology readings. Also people we love sometimes help us out now and then and it finally penetrated my out of date mindset that this is beyond feeling sorry for us and is more about participating in whatever our connection with them may be. Good friends are indeed good. PQ has always known this and I am finally recovering from that pesky New England attitude of shame for not being entirely independent inherited from some ancestors I’ve never known in a place I've never been. No one is completely independent. We all rely on a system of energy exchange of some kind whether it is payment for work done, investment, inheritance or love expressed in cash.
Yes, sometimes things fall apart, but sometimes that is a necessary prelude for a rebuild. Isn’t that what we are all trying to do? The rebuild is the part where we can really extend the creative spirit into our personal destiny and it can’t happen in a self-conscious fear mode.
This morning, during coffee and reading time, cross-legged on the old green rocker inherited from mom and dad without thoughts, without wanting anything, surrounded by fine golden light radiating into spaceless beingness. It made all worries, self-doubts, and imitation responses seem absurd. Now that I’ve been there once, maybe I can remember this state when the outer world rudely intrudes with muddy boots. I hope that someday I can share this path to anyone who wants to find it. However, I know for sure I didn’t find this place all by myself.