Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Sturm und Drang (Storm and Stress)

Our renter at the rez house, moved out this month. Half of our income went with her; PQ’s younger son was planning to move in and then changed his mind without telling us until it was too late to find another renter for this month and possibly longer. Then I forgot to transfer PQ’s SSI to our checking account in the amped up speed and activity of two out of state trips and a visitor this past three weeks, and now we have a huge overdraft charge, (I will go to the bank this afternoon and see to if they will have some mercy) thus our income this month will be considerably less than our bills and there will be nothing left for groceries or gas. I was feeling tortured by the universe this morning. Despite the good will and generosity of our friends, everything about our finances blew up instantly. I had crazy dreams all night and then woke up to a world I didn’t want to face, so I went outside to pray and meditate. 

A vision popped up immediately of my pale grey heart, tight, sad, choked with worry and fear and also very tired of beating fruitlessly. I started feeling only desperation with the thought that I can’t do anything right anymore and we are slipping down lower and lower each month even when I don’t make mistakes. The harder I try to keep all the details together, manage our finances better and try new approaches to this chronic problem the more trickster surprises me just to make it clear who is really in charge.  Ideas of what I might do race through my mind but none of them is new or even practical. A few years ago, I could have taken on work like my job at Six Directions although that job had become pure torture. Then I realize with one car, a husband that needs me to be available 24/7, housekeeping, cooking, yard work managing medical appointments and running errands, I’m feeling the limitations of my age, not to mention that there is no time to paint anymore, and I feel a bit guilty stealing this writing time, all the while Coyote nips at my ankles while I run in circles. 

Finally, a light began to leak into this dark cave of defeat and remorse.  I saw how my tiresome self-image blocked the flow of energy into my life. We seldom change our life patterns as long as they function even marginally. Well mine has gone over every margin and I’m in free fall. Then my spiritual helpers began showing me what I really do to myself.

I have very small expectations for my life. All of my hopes are for the barest necessities. I live in a very small house and use my imagination to explore the problem of how to live in even a smaller house to reduce the danger of further failure and disappointment. I grew up feeling that the universe doesn’t want me around and am always working toward making myself less. Less is exactly what I’m getting. Well it doesn’t work! It looks like Trickster is not going to tolerate any more attempts to disappear. In a flash, I saw that my whole life plan is absurd. The Monkey Mind has been controlling my life too long. I see the Buddhist idea of Monkey Mind to be a wonderful description of the human predicament but in addition to confusion, restlessness, agitation, curiosity, and mimicry, I would add narrow and habitual vision. 
Stripped to the bone, the skin torn away, my Monkey Mind solutions are laying in ragged pieces. I don’t know the cure, but I do know that all change requires courage to open up to an entirely different approach whatever it turns out to be. I can write, paint and think and I believe that somewhere among my abilities, even the ones I don’t remember to list, there must be a way of earning enough to live on and none of these abilities requires me to go away every day to an 8:00 to 5:00 cage or function beyond my physical capacity. Whatever I do in the future must engage my heart, mind and spirit as well as my physical occupancy. 

Sometimes, I forget that life is an ongoing journey. It starts before our birth and continues beyond our physical death. I came in to life with the problems and limitations my family believed in but I hope to go out having transmuted some of these limitations into a resource.  I’m launching into the unknown. After all, the known hasn’t been working.

I often use the Russian Gypsy Cards to get a succinct description of my current situation. They have never failed me unless the request was absurd. Here is what they said this morning.

BOUQUET:  You will find a means to earn money. Leave doubt behind and use the potential you haven’t used. I added (rejoice in an end to scraping by in fear and humiliation.

MICE:  A theft. (We have lost our income and I pray for a transformation of faith, purpose and resources)

FIRE: Danger: from the frying pan into the fire. (Immediate action is required.  But, what is the needed action)

HEART: Love will ignite your heart. (Love is the opposite of fear.)

HOUSE: The right step will bring you success. (Don’t trust the rational mind. The heart will be infused with love and faith.)
To be continued!