"MAYBE" AGAIN?

It has been a beautiful day, but autumn always makes me sad because it is the end of green, at least in this hemisphere.   I am living the autumn phase of life as well but I’ve always felt this way about autumn, even when I was a kid. In a way, it’s a relief to feel sad. Sadness causes us to look at the things we have been painting pink whether or not it’s a proper shade. Trying to avoid it is a job and now I can relax, quit trying to stay above my feelings and let-r-rip.

PQ Singing a Blessing at a Recent
"Awakening in Taos Fundraiser"

So what are some of the reasons I feel sad?  One of them is my love’s physical limitations he has discomfort walking more than a block at this altitude and has been experiencing abdominal muscle cramps more than usual.  I recently discovered that this is one of the typical symptoms of Pulmonary Fibrosis. Of course, some days are worse than others are, but his frustrations affect both of us. Most of the time, I enjoy what we do, even the simple things.  Last Sunday we visited our friend Lynn’s booth at a Kit Carson Park craft show and then had lunch at the Bent Street Deli. It’s simple and routine. Both are good places to watch people and enjoy those last warm days, but nothing new really.  Maybe feeling static is the core trouble. I’m unhappy with myself and need to be more active on all levels, just haven’t figured out where to start.  PQ needs to be at a lower altitude but we are stuck here until our finances improve and some of the family issues are more stable. PQ’s son and grand kids have really needed our support this year.

Life moves and then gets stuck again. This sounds very passive. However, to tell you the truth I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  That is the problem with most strategies.  Our strengths are also our weaknesses. It’s just a matter of the tactic that best fits the circumstance and that is easier to define when a circumstance is history. In addition, sometimes a lot is going on undetected beneath the surface and we just don’t know it.

UPDATE:

A few days ago, my mind was running on a slow idle as my unfocused eyes drifted through the car window then a sense of vulnerability rolled in like the dark clouds above us and a thought drifted through my mind like the clouds that we would be in a pickle if something happened to our car. We haven’t had the truck for several years now and most of the time one vehicle is enough. Simplicity and lower insurance are good things, right?

Today we were on our way to the post office and something else, (I don’t remember what) when we decided to return the coat son Corey left at our house with it getting colder this week and all. First, we went to the bank and on the way, I remembered that I had rushed out the door without my phone. We were going to swing by the house on our way from the bank and retrieve it but forgot.  We turned left  up Placita but big road equipment was blocking traffic, so we turned around, took Paseo Norte and PQ decided to turn onto the north side of the Plaza. The Plaza was also full of road equipment with traffic funneling slowly onto Placita. It is a four way stop and as PQ pulled out, a red Ford SUV suddenly lurched forward. I guess the driver didn’t see us and hit us smack in the middle.  The cops didn’t give either of us a ticket because we were both in the center, but of course, there was all the fuss of calling the cops, trying unsuccessfully to call the insurance company whose number wasn’t on PQ’s phone, and then an ambulance arrived although nobody was hurt, well I have a slightly black and blue mark on my brow and cheek where the air bag hit me, but nothing serious enough for an ambulance.

The entire right side of the car is smashed, and the back and rear side windows shattered, but at least there was no mechanical injury, and we probably could have driven it to the garage and saved the towing fee but the cop had automatically called the tow truck. Paying the deductible on the insurance is going to be a big stretch. Nevertheless, we feel relief just to be home now, uninjured and to have dealt with the insurance people, made an appointment with a rental car company and are now preparing for a previously planned dinner at our house with son Jay, his girlfriend and the grand kids.  Everything is relative, and I’m sure even survivors of floods and fires feel elated just to be alive despite their property loss and violently assaulted sense of well being. 

I’ve allowed myself to worry about the shortfall of our income again, and I’ve noticed that an unexpected expense regularly pops up when I allow myself to worry.  This time I’m going to think positive and be thankful that I have an over overworked credit card and that nobody was hurt. 

For some reason, it’s all OK. Perhaps that’s because I believe that the world really works like the Maybe Story, and that in the big picture everything is a part of the grand design and that we only  partially choose our minuscule place in that design , although sometimes crudely.  Today the Adjuster called to say that the car is fixable although it may be three weeks before it comes out of the car hospital. I don’t know how this mini-drama will end, nor if there will be more to the story but for the time being it looks like we are stuck in Taos for a while and stuck in the house for a few days. Optimistically, I anticipate the next installment of the story.  Unlike a Netflix series, we’re not allowed to binge watch.

Life is a very complex jigsaw puzzle. There is no such thing as completing the puzzle because then the creative stream would stop. Probably the puzzle fans out into the universe as we work our way through. Practice is the small puzzle that is me.  Maybe learning to work that one is preparation for bigger things.