LOST AND FOUND

I’m waiting for my name.

At least that’s what I thought.

Then I realized that my name was waiting for me.

The name I sign checks with still surprises me when heard out loud.

It’s a furtive name, given to that costume that hides me from myself.

Where am I?

I’ve been lost so long I forgot I was searching for my way.

Oh yes, where did I leave my vehicle? Parked almost out of sight

It will take me to my name.

Every time I release myself from worry and move into a seemingly more confident stance, there is a trickster waiting in ambush from its hiding place. “Does she really mean it? Let’s find out”. This trickster knows my weaknesses (isn’t that the point).

Do I give in, go back to the submissive business as usual stance, or move forward with faith and intestinal fortitude.  The test comes again and again. I used to assume it was a sign that I should creep timidly into the shadows and do the best I can with shrinking resources. After all, I’ve become pretty  creative with whatever is available.

Hermes/Mercury ruler of Gemini (my sign).
Trickster and God of the crossroads.

I’ve wasted a lot of time waiting for a change in circumstances, so I’ve decided to act as if circumstances had already changed. I’ve planned to concentrate more of my energy on creative thinking and less on juggling bills. After all, I’m not a very good juggler and no matter how hard I try to think of all details, I always come up short. As soon as I discover that I’ve messed up again, I fall into depression and self-loathing for a few days and then decide to push my mood up with a shot of will power and start all over. Yet, the truth is, I’m slowly sliding backward. This is natural I’m not immortal and time isn’t working in my favor. It’s time to admit that I don’t have a fix. I’m tired of running in circles. I’m searching the universe for something new to put in my mind. I’ve assumed it wasn’t already there.  

Today my instincts screamed loud enough to get through the static noise and pointed out that it is stupid to look through the same old mental closet for answers. Trickster is hiding in the shadows waiting in ambush. I think I’ll play a trick on him. It dawned on me that I was still trying to please mom and dad, the teachers and preachers and none of them ever liked who I am. I tried to prove to them all I was responsible and honest, since they valued these qualities highly in theory.  But, you know what? That was totally irresponsible and dishonest.