Last year we dreamed of living in Cottonwood, Arizona but I was afraid of running out of money and we did run out of money. There are two elements at work here. First, I knew that I might not have enough money to sustain us over a long period of time unless two unknowns came through (which they failed to do) but went ahead and made a lease commitment before synching the needed arrangements. I called it acting on faith. Actually I sometimes get lucky and I was hoping the gamble would come through. I’m a natural chance taker, but I was raised in an excessively cautious environment, which is still a chain around my neck. But I keep trying to get loose with plenty of mercurial energy on my side via my four planets in Gemini sooner or later I expect to trick the manifestation police. But an external situation is the best way to become aware of what is going on internally however well hidden.
Since I didn’t have a firm idea of where the necessary funds were coming from I doubted the wisdom of committing to a lease but enthusiasm prevailed and I did it anyway. Now we want to come back this summer and recreate successfully what we left behind. I feel guilty for lack of faith on one hand and lack of responsibility and realism on the other hand. Clearly I’m trying to please two masters with opposing belief systems.
I often attempt to force a new outcome when I feel I have betrayed the gods of opportunity. In this sense I still feel attached to the way things were last year. I have largely forgotten the worries. I’ve also discovered that once a time has passed it can’t be recovered. Nevertheless there is such a thing, as completing something that hasn’t been fulfilled. But it’s important to recognize that one is going forward with a creative process not attempting to relive the past. Sorting this out is crucial to moving forward.
Although manifestation still seems partially a pipe dream I have also experienced it many times. I am actually very good at manifestation and still I doubt this when it comes to the particular areas that are covered by my personal negative conditioning. Do I, on some level, still carry a childhood obligation to remain loyal to my family by not surpassing them? This goes back to the family belief that all the grass must be cut to the same height. I also worry that the Master of the Universe hasn’t forgiven me for not following through on a more enlightened commitment and may not allow me back into the program. And then I worry that all this is just a narcissistic personal fantasy anyway.
But why do I push on when I feel something is spoiled? Perhaps it’s exactly because I believe that I spoiled it and don’t want to accept that possibility. Now I recognize that I’m dealing with several levels of beliefs and they are clashing with each other. But I’m still counting on surprising those mischief making tricksters living in my psychic garbage bin who think their clever cover will keep them concealed. They actually believe they are helping when they conceal this over-the-hill smelly stuff.
Nevertheless, I believe there is a GPS guide to wholeness in every heart and mind. It is a hardwired memory of our true state and we instinctively desire to return to it. This is just as true of humans as of birds migrating with the seasons. Is that wrong? Only if it takes a perverted form reminiscent of having a dead bird stuffed and mounted. A stuffed and mounted yearning can be remembered but it will never substitute for the real thing. The key is to continue within the process rather than trying to recreate the way things were, or more accurately the way we remember them to be. Memory can be a powerful tool of self-deception.
Navigating out of the Maze
Truly my greatest dream is to realize my dreams. I fear that my dreams are out of sync with the timing of this world and are like stillborn babies. This has been my experience but perhaps this experience is the result of some thought, belief, fear, or externally imposed lack of faith. The road out of this dilemma is also the road in reversed. If I track my way through the fear and negativity I should reach the source of the road to a beginning before any preconceived beliefs were in place. Jesus said that one must become as a little child to enter the kingdom of heaven. I believe that to mean being free of constraining, externally imposed beliefs. Faith is perhaps the most important component in manifestation. What do I have faith in? If I don’t believe in my own validity I can’t possibly believe in manifesting my dreams. It has always been easier to work for someone other than myself, and to realize the dreams of someone else and at the same time I’ve never given my heart to someone else’s project. It’s as if I lived my outer life in a cardboard and plastic pretend world. But nevertheless this false world seemed impenetrable as well. I never knew how seriously I should take it so wavered back and forth between slavish obedience and barely touching it. Never did it feel like genuine participation. I assumed this was normal and that other people simply didn’t trouble themselves or else were better informed than I.
My Life as an Illegal Alien
This comes down to my central personal issue. My very being has been in question since before birth. I still look to someone who is licensed to exist on this planet to recognize me as a valid resident. Much of my life has been lived as if I was a temporary visitor on someone else’s planet. I have never truly believed from the heart that I was on the same level as other earthlings. I’ve known since earliest childhood that it didn’t matter how smart, creative, hard working, honest, or well intentioned I was, I didn’t have a visa to be here and that meant that anything I manifested was automatically invalid. I had no rights by the very circumstances of my entrance into this life. A tinge of guilt lay behind everything I had. It always seemed that it would be taken away as soon as some cosmic authority noticed that I wasn’t licensed to participate in creation. I know that my parents loved me but they too didn’t believe that I was licensed to be here. This was especially true of my mother. She also felt less than a full citizen of planet Earth but she shared this with the rest of her tribe, whereas I didn’t feel part of a tribe. I often think of this when someone criticizes a minority group for their lack of focus and responsibility. People must believe that they are connected organically to the society that controls their outer life circumstances or else they become a destructive element toward that society. This is something that domineering groups just don’t get.
Creation, healing, transformation, rebirth, evolution, and manifestation are all related. We are constantly creating and evolving as we progress through life on this dimension. However we have the choice of being either manure in the garden of life, or seeds. Reverse development also has its place. We never limit the process of creation except on the level of our participation. A society, a group, or an individual may chose to serve the goddess Kali the destroyer but the real power is in the fact that the matrix of existence uses all forces for creation. It’s a matter of whether one chooses the path of a conscious co-creator or an unconscious tool to be ground up for fertilizer or mulch. Manifestation is the constant master and teacher.