Bit by Bit I’m learning about manifestation. I’ve always been very good at it when it involves things and events that were not clouded by emotional issues and bad conditioning. That is a significant awareness in itself. It is an indication that I have some flaws in my operating system that automatically defeats certain intentions and desires. But it also indicates that when I’m clear of these obstacles desired things happen and life moves forward without obstruction. I’m in the process of sorting out the helps and hindrances along the path to connecting effectively with the world beyond this computer, a canvas, or my immediate friends.
My intuitive judgements have a similar history. Certain intuitive perceptions come easily and are completely trustworthy because they don’t have much to do with personal issues either pro or con. It is all about the clarity of the system.
This is a new awareness that makes it much easier to hone in on the problem. We are talking about magic here. My definition of magic is the ability to move energy through focused intention to a specific goal. Much of the magic we experience is unconscious. In reality much of our life force goes into this unconscious magic. In other words we live in a situation that has been unconsciously programmed to achieve certain results. Often these results are very uncomfortable and self-defeating, not to mention entirely opposite of our conscious intention.
Techniques of manifestation so often fail because they don’t take into account those semi-hidden personalities that have another point of view. Do we all want to be rich, successful in our careers and happily mated? There are several levels of operatives here. One is the conflicting opinion inside of one individual. The other is the voice of the higher self that doesn’t believe that all of these results will necessarily advance the wellbeing of the soul or the planet. There are higher agendas than the individual ego. To achieve certain kinds of success and yet become unbalanced in relationship with the Higher Self, the welfare of other beings and Mother Earth often has a severe backlash waiting in ambush at the end of the trail. Thus success in manifestation is not always positive in the long run.
All of this talk about conscious vs. unconscious is in need of definition. I believe that what I’m really dealing with here is a less obvious type of multiple personality. Who am I really? This is the root of the issue. Just who is doing the manifesting? There is the child person who is programmed to believe certain things about life and self, some that are no longer in anyone’s best interest, and then a shy person who doesn’t really want to know the details of her inner workings. Also there are those shadowy beings that each have a secret agenda and can be very conniving. To simplify this issue I’ll conclude the list with that person I want to be and have come to understand as the outer image of my soul. This is a work in process.
This is the person I wish to put in charge of manifestation. To do that some of the other selves need to grow up and allow this to happen.
Frequently the desire to be rich, at the top of one’s field, and loved by the ideal mate is an attempt to override the fear of the concealed mojo of low expectations, i.e., a curse. The reason for bringing in these different facets of self that live within one body (the visible one) is that they all manifest different results and these different results are frequently in contradiction and conflict with each other.
I use dreams among the indicators of what my various selves are up to. It’s especially useful to take note of the things that seem really off-the-wall. Also, anything that embarrasses or disgusts me is likely to be rich territory. After I develop some familiarity with some of these themes I begin to notice that they have correspondences to so called waking life, if there really is such a thing. I don’t recommend taking on the really difficult, scary dream events all by yourself unless you have practice in dream work. It’s too easy to get paranoid and allow fear to put on a monster coat and go chasing after you. If your alienation from your hidden selves (or someone else’s) has gone that far you probably need to work on it in the company of someone with solid experience such as a therapist or support group.
A few years ago I would never have put this kind of rumination out into public display. I had a kind of emotional agoraphobia. This is one of my deliberate manifestations. I’ve learned that whenever I discover an inner truth it is important to give it a physical form. Being in the world is my primary work. Everything in life is connected to everything else.
My mother almost abandoned me, not in her heart but in her fear of life. First, her husband and her mother both thought she should have an abortion because they considered her frail, and because there was a war going on and my father was about to be drafted and she would be on her own. She went ahead and had me, which was what she wanted but she was never able to totally acknowledge my existence. It was a type of superstition on her part. The intimidated child in her was afraid she would lose me if she fully acknowledged my existence. When my baby sister was born three years later, she came in with a damaged heart and died within six months. This brought my mother to a nervous breakdown. She went into a dark place that covered much of my childhood. Much later she confessed that she had cut off many of her feelings for me because she believed that God was punishing her for her inadequacies and would take away her children.
I’ve had a recurring dream/memory since those days. There were Monkey Bars in the playground near our apartment during my first three years. I struggled to reach the first bar and looked up to the older children on the tiers above with enormous longing and determination to actually climb to the top. We moved away before I was able to accomplish this. Several times I ran away from home and went back to the old neighborhood. But each time I was caught and brought back before I was able to accomplish my goal. Eventually we moved to a different state, and that was that. But this pattern has stayed with me. I continue to symbolically pursue the monkey bars and over and over some outward event prevents me from accomplishing the goal. Only a few years ago I recognized this as a life pattern that unconsciously ruled from the shadows of my memory. I won’t go into the details but I now have a powerful tool. Sometimes things come very easily when the obstructions are removed and manifestation becomes an organic development.
There are layers upon layers in these stories and it continues to guide me as I learn to identify the components. I’ve had teachers along the way, also; Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell, Carlos Castaneda, Arny Mindell, and so on along with some of my personal friends. Learning astrology was also helpful. For those of you interested in astrology I have a Gemini Sun in the 12th house, Moon conjunct Jupiter rising in Cancer (also in the 12th house, all of these squaring Neptune in the 4th house, and much of my strength comes from Mars conjunct Pluto late in the first house, Venus in Taurus and Uranus conjunct Saturn in the 11th house. It is a cosmic snapshot brought down to the personal level. Some folks can’t accept the idea that the position of the planets at a certain time can apply to anything personal. That assumes that we are totally personal. It may well be that everything in the universe partakes of an overall pattern if we knew how to read it. Humans have narrowed the field in certain ways for millenniums. They read numbers, stars, sheep’s innards and so on but were functioning on the assumption of holography long before it was a
concept. Somehow external patterns stimulates awareness of an internal reflection.